The year 11's have officially finished school today. Sure we have to come in for exams and stuff but we don't have to sit in a boring classroom and listen to the teachers droning on.
Actually, I think I like the teachers droning on. My ears have got used to it :)
I kind of seemed bummed that I didn't really talk for the whole 5 years that I've been in my school and I'm going to miss a lot of people but I'm still glad that college isn't far away!
I'm also bummed that I didn't get hiM to sign my shirt :(
I'll still see everyone though when we're taking our exams so i shouldn't really feel like crying until the leavers' assembly...
(btw I found my National Insurance card. Turns out that my dad hid it to teach me a lesson about being careless...)
Friday, 15 May 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
hiM
I can't stop thinking about hiM.
We had French last period yesterday and we were supposed to be doing a practice French listening test, but hE was sat in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on the test. I just kept on imagining us together.
It's pathetic though. I can dream all I want but hE'll never look at me the way I look at hiM. Well not for real anyway.
I tried to distance myself from hiM because I knew hE would hurt me if I got too close.
You see, I'm not exactly the coolest girl in my year - heck, I'm probably the lamest... which is why hE pretends to look at me that way. Like hE thinks I'm attractive. It's a joke, somthing to make hiM seem funnier in front of hiS friends.
But the thing is even though I know hE's kidding around, I can't seem to turn myself away.
hiS half smiles and fake glances just make me more attracted to hiM. And then when hE ignores me it makes me more desperate for hiM to acknowledge me. I crave for a smile, a word, even just for hiM to look at me so I can lose myself in hiS dark blue eyes.
Reading this over, I know it sounds lame but it's the truth.
I shouldn't keep doing this to myself. Dreaming of something that will never be. I should try to forget him...shouldn't I?
We had French last period yesterday and we were supposed to be doing a practice French listening test, but hE was sat in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on the test. I just kept on imagining us together.
It's pathetic though. I can dream all I want but hE'll never look at me the way I look at hiM. Well not for real anyway.
I tried to distance myself from hiM because I knew hE would hurt me if I got too close.
You see, I'm not exactly the coolest girl in my year - heck, I'm probably the lamest... which is why hE pretends to look at me that way. Like hE thinks I'm attractive. It's a joke, somthing to make hiM seem funnier in front of hiS friends.
But the thing is even though I know hE's kidding around, I can't seem to turn myself away.
hiS half smiles and fake glances just make me more attracted to hiM. And then when hE ignores me it makes me more desperate for hiM to acknowledge me. I crave for a smile, a word, even just for hiM to look at me so I can lose myself in hiS dark blue eyes.
Reading this over, I know it sounds lame but it's the truth.
I shouldn't keep doing this to myself. Dreaming of something that will never be. I should try to forget him...shouldn't I?
Sunday, 3 May 2009
16 today
I was dreading waking up today.
My dad organised a big BBQ for my birthday. It was only my family and family friends. I really didn't feel like putting on a fake smile for the whole day. I told my dad that I didn't want any fuss because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of real friends at my party. I didn't want to face the empty feeling I would probably get.
It wasn't so bad though. At first I was down because most of the people here were older adults or younger children so I couldn't really enjoy myself. I would cringe when people would say "Happy Birthday" or "Sweet 16" because I didn't want to celebrate the fact that legally I was 16 but inside I still felt 9. I feel like I've missed out on a massive part of my life. When I was younger, I always used to dream about going to the cinema with a bunch of mates, going on a proper date with a guy I'm crazy about, going to loads of teenage parties. But I'm 16 now and I haven't done any of it. Not really.
And it doesn't stop there either. When I leave my school I'm not going to get loads of people signing my shirt. I'm not going to have a leavers book. And I'm not going to go to my prom. I want to though. I really want to but I can't. It's too late. I've chosen to be shy to protect myself from the judgement from everyone else but by doing this I've caged myself from the rest of the world.
My dad organised a big BBQ for my birthday. It was only my family and family friends. I really didn't feel like putting on a fake smile for the whole day. I told my dad that I didn't want any fuss because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of real friends at my party. I didn't want to face the empty feeling I would probably get.
It wasn't so bad though. At first I was down because most of the people here were older adults or younger children so I couldn't really enjoy myself. I would cringe when people would say "Happy Birthday" or "Sweet 16" because I didn't want to celebrate the fact that legally I was 16 but inside I still felt 9. I feel like I've missed out on a massive part of my life. When I was younger, I always used to dream about going to the cinema with a bunch of mates, going on a proper date with a guy I'm crazy about, going to loads of teenage parties. But I'm 16 now and I haven't done any of it. Not really.
And it doesn't stop there either. When I leave my school I'm not going to get loads of people signing my shirt. I'm not going to have a leavers book. And I'm not going to go to my prom. I want to though. I really want to but I can't. It's too late. I've chosen to be shy to protect myself from the judgement from everyone else but by doing this I've caged myself from the rest of the world.
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