16 today

I was dreading waking up today.

My dad organised a big BBQ for my birthday. It was only my family and family friends. I really didn't feel like putting on a fake smile for the whole day. I told my dad that I didn't want any fuss because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of real friends at my party. I didn't want to face the empty feeling I would probably get.

It wasn't so bad though. At first I was down because most of the people here were older adults or younger children so I couldn't really enjoy myself. I would cringe when people would say "Happy Birthday" or "Sweet 16" because I didn't want to celebrate the fact that legally I was 16 but inside I still felt 9. I feel like I've missed out on a massive part of my life. When I was younger, I always used to dream about going to the cinema with a bunch of mates, going on a proper date with a guy I'm crazy about, going to loads of teenage parties. But I'm 16 now and I haven't done any of it. Not really.

And it doesn't stop there either. When I leave my school I'm not going to get loads of people signing my shirt. I'm not going to have a leavers book. And I'm not going to go to my prom. I want to though. I really want to but I can't. It's too late. I've chosen to be shy to protect myself from the judgement from everyone else but by doing this I've caged myself from the rest of the world.