The year 11's have officially finished school today. Sure we have to come in for exams and stuff but we don't have to sit in a boring classroom and listen to the teachers droning on.
Actually, I think I like the teachers droning on. My ears have got used to it :)
I kind of seemed bummed that I didn't really talk for the whole 5 years that I've been in my school and I'm going to miss a lot of people but I'm still glad that college isn't far away!
I'm also bummed that I didn't get hiM to sign my shirt :(
I'll still see everyone though when we're taking our exams so i shouldn't really feel like crying until the leavers' assembly...
(btw I found my National Insurance card. Turns out that my dad hid it to teach me a lesson about being careless...)
Friday, 15 May 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
hiM
I can't stop thinking about hiM.
We had French last period yesterday and we were supposed to be doing a practice French listening test, but hE was sat in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on the test. I just kept on imagining us together.
It's pathetic though. I can dream all I want but hE'll never look at me the way I look at hiM. Well not for real anyway.
I tried to distance myself from hiM because I knew hE would hurt me if I got too close.
You see, I'm not exactly the coolest girl in my year - heck, I'm probably the lamest... which is why hE pretends to look at me that way. Like hE thinks I'm attractive. It's a joke, somthing to make hiM seem funnier in front of hiS friends.
But the thing is even though I know hE's kidding around, I can't seem to turn myself away.
hiS half smiles and fake glances just make me more attracted to hiM. And then when hE ignores me it makes me more desperate for hiM to acknowledge me. I crave for a smile, a word, even just for hiM to look at me so I can lose myself in hiS dark blue eyes.
Reading this over, I know it sounds lame but it's the truth.
I shouldn't keep doing this to myself. Dreaming of something that will never be. I should try to forget him...shouldn't I?
We had French last period yesterday and we were supposed to be doing a practice French listening test, but hE was sat in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on the test. I just kept on imagining us together.
It's pathetic though. I can dream all I want but hE'll never look at me the way I look at hiM. Well not for real anyway.
I tried to distance myself from hiM because I knew hE would hurt me if I got too close.
You see, I'm not exactly the coolest girl in my year - heck, I'm probably the lamest... which is why hE pretends to look at me that way. Like hE thinks I'm attractive. It's a joke, somthing to make hiM seem funnier in front of hiS friends.
But the thing is even though I know hE's kidding around, I can't seem to turn myself away.
hiS half smiles and fake glances just make me more attracted to hiM. And then when hE ignores me it makes me more desperate for hiM to acknowledge me. I crave for a smile, a word, even just for hiM to look at me so I can lose myself in hiS dark blue eyes.
Reading this over, I know it sounds lame but it's the truth.
I shouldn't keep doing this to myself. Dreaming of something that will never be. I should try to forget him...shouldn't I?
Sunday, 3 May 2009
16 today
I was dreading waking up today.
My dad organised a big BBQ for my birthday. It was only my family and family friends. I really didn't feel like putting on a fake smile for the whole day. I told my dad that I didn't want any fuss because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of real friends at my party. I didn't want to face the empty feeling I would probably get.
It wasn't so bad though. At first I was down because most of the people here were older adults or younger children so I couldn't really enjoy myself. I would cringe when people would say "Happy Birthday" or "Sweet 16" because I didn't want to celebrate the fact that legally I was 16 but inside I still felt 9. I feel like I've missed out on a massive part of my life. When I was younger, I always used to dream about going to the cinema with a bunch of mates, going on a proper date with a guy I'm crazy about, going to loads of teenage parties. But I'm 16 now and I haven't done any of it. Not really.
And it doesn't stop there either. When I leave my school I'm not going to get loads of people signing my shirt. I'm not going to have a leavers book. And I'm not going to go to my prom. I want to though. I really want to but I can't. It's too late. I've chosen to be shy to protect myself from the judgement from everyone else but by doing this I've caged myself from the rest of the world.
My dad organised a big BBQ for my birthday. It was only my family and family friends. I really didn't feel like putting on a fake smile for the whole day. I told my dad that I didn't want any fuss because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of real friends at my party. I didn't want to face the empty feeling I would probably get.
It wasn't so bad though. At first I was down because most of the people here were older adults or younger children so I couldn't really enjoy myself. I would cringe when people would say "Happy Birthday" or "Sweet 16" because I didn't want to celebrate the fact that legally I was 16 but inside I still felt 9. I feel like I've missed out on a massive part of my life. When I was younger, I always used to dream about going to the cinema with a bunch of mates, going on a proper date with a guy I'm crazy about, going to loads of teenage parties. But I'm 16 now and I haven't done any of it. Not really.
And it doesn't stop there either. When I leave my school I'm not going to get loads of people signing my shirt. I'm not going to have a leavers book. And I'm not going to go to my prom. I want to though. I really want to but I can't. It's too late. I've chosen to be shy to protect myself from the judgement from everyone else but by doing this I've caged myself from the rest of the world.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Money! Money! Money!
I need money :(
It just seems that there are so many things I want to buy but I really don't have the money. My parents pay me £15 a month which I am grateful for...it's just that this amount of money only means that I can save up for one expensive thing a year. With so many things tempting me, I just feel lost.
I started saving up for a steel-string guitar. My parents would pay for at least half the price of the guitar as a reward for passing my GCSEs.
I've really tried to save but there are so many more things that I would like to buy: music, a laptop, a camera, an iPod, and heaps of clothes. Especially the clothes since I've been growing 3 inches every month since September and hardly any of my clothes seem to fit me anymore. I'm also going to college (last two years of high school in america) next year and since we don't have to wear any uniform I need to get loads of clothes.
So after reading this I guess you immediately say, why can't she get a job? Well the sad and unwanted truth is I can't.
I'm nearly 16 now which means that I get a National Insurance card that I use when applying for jobs and guess what...I've lost it.
:(((((((((
Please don't give me that look I'm already beating myself up about it.
Does it really matter anyway? Now that the whole world (or near to it) is in an economic crisis/ credit crunch/ recession, it's not like I would be able to find a job anyway right? I mean a girl in my class was already made redundant. REDUNDANT! At the age of 15. If that happened to her, what chance do I have?
I will try though. I can't win if I don't try and all that jazz.
I just need to find that National Insurance card - pronto. hmmm...didn't check the toilet...
It just seems that there are so many things I want to buy but I really don't have the money. My parents pay me £15 a month which I am grateful for...it's just that this amount of money only means that I can save up for one expensive thing a year. With so many things tempting me, I just feel lost.
I started saving up for a steel-string guitar. My parents would pay for at least half the price of the guitar as a reward for passing my GCSEs.
I've really tried to save but there are so many more things that I would like to buy: music, a laptop, a camera, an iPod, and heaps of clothes. Especially the clothes since I've been growing 3 inches every month since September and hardly any of my clothes seem to fit me anymore. I'm also going to college (last two years of high school in america) next year and since we don't have to wear any uniform I need to get loads of clothes.
So after reading this I guess you immediately say, why can't she get a job? Well the sad and unwanted truth is I can't.
I'm nearly 16 now which means that I get a National Insurance card that I use when applying for jobs and guess what...I've lost it.
:(((((((((
Please don't give me that look I'm already beating myself up about it.
Does it really matter anyway? Now that the whole world (or near to it) is in an economic crisis/ credit crunch/ recession, it's not like I would be able to find a job anyway right? I mean a girl in my class was already made redundant. REDUNDANT! At the age of 15. If that happened to her, what chance do I have?
I will try though. I can't win if I don't try and all that jazz.
I just need to find that National Insurance card - pronto. hmmm...didn't check the toilet...
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
My list of 5 things to do before I die starts with: Meet the Jonas Brothers
Meet the Jonas Brothers
No, I don't mean sneaking into their tour bus and filling the whole place with excited shrieks. Although come to think of it, it's not such a bad idea...
Jumping from somewhere high
I don't want to kill myself that way I just mean bunjee jumping or skydiving
Write a (decent) song
So it may not be a Mozart classic but as long as I don't get booed of the stage it's all good right?
Find Mr. Right
Yeah. It sounds lamer written down than in my head
Travel
See the 7 wonders of the world. No. 1 = Cadbury's Chocolate factory mmm...
Monday, 16 March 2009
Staying positive
Sorry about my last depressing post; I was in a complete moody episode last week.
Today is a new week and a new beginning though. I feel a lot better and refreshed! It's probably because the sun is shining a lot today. Summer is my favourite season because it gives me the feeling of freedom and warmth. The weather kind of plays a big part in what mood I'm in. (grey and gloomy = depressed, warm and sunny = cheerful) That isn't very good news if I live in England then because this is the country of rain and grey skies :(
Today is a new week and a new beginning though. I feel a lot better and refreshed! It's probably because the sun is shining a lot today. Summer is my favourite season because it gives me the feeling of freedom and warmth. The weather kind of plays a big part in what mood I'm in. (grey and gloomy = depressed, warm and sunny = cheerful) That isn't very good news if I live in England then because this is the country of rain and grey skies :(
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Untitled
I feel depressed. Frustrated. Fed up.
It's like even when I put my heart and soul into something, it's never enough.
And the annoying thing is, no matter how much I want to give up I can't. There isn't any time left to have a tantrum and let off some steam because everything keeps piling up. I feel like I 'm stuck.
Stuck.
Stuck in this constant cycle. And no matter how much I squeal and wriggle, I can't get out of it.
It's like even when I put my heart and soul into something, it's never enough.
And the annoying thing is, no matter how much I want to give up I can't. There isn't any time left to have a tantrum and let off some steam because everything keeps piling up. I feel like I 'm stuck.
Stuck.
Stuck in this constant cycle. And no matter how much I squeal and wriggle, I can't get out of it.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Monday, 9 March 2009
Zzzzzzzzzzz...
I'm tired (yawn) You can't blame me, it is a Monday. It was probably Rock Challenge (dance competition) last week. People were saying that I was putting a lot of energy into it. I guess I didn't realise just how much until now...
I had a Maths exam today (a real GCSE module). Maths is supposed to be my best subject but I'm sure I've failed that exam and everyone else in my class thinks they need to resit as well. Okay, so the lowest I'll probably get is a B (you could only get an A*, A, B or U on that module btw) but still that's quite bad for someone in the top set, well according to my Dad.
Have you ever noticed how parents can get pretty hard on you when you reach the "life changing exam" stage but neglect you (or at least it seems that way to me since my Dad has suddenly put quite a lot of pressure on me for GCSEs) when your doing the "smaller" exams like SATs.
I understand that my parents can worry about me and my future and my parents have told me that they don't want me to experience the gnawing feeling of disappointment if I don't get the grades I think I deserve. It's just sometimes it feels like they think that I'm unable to do it by myself without them having to tell me every few seconds. I will be 16 soon - I'm practically an adult. Just because my 10 year-old brother has to be told all the time to do simple things like comb his hair, do his homework and brush his teeth before he goes to bed (I know, it's disgusting) doesn't mean that I'm like that as well.
I'm finally starting to fit in more in school and make more friends since Rock Challenge. I mean I'm not a loner, there are people I talk to and get along with it's just that my shyness has kind of got in the way of making real friends. I did have friends in Year 7 and 8 but in Year 9 my shyness got so bad that I couldn't even talk to my friends. When I did talk to them they sometimes laughed at what I said because it was kind of a random, "last chance" outburst. The laughing made my confidence lessen even more until eventually I was just a tag-a-long. I could sense that they didn't want me around anymore but I wanted to wait until they said it to my face. They were my friends they owed me that much right? Wrong. I eventually started to go around on my own which was awkward at first but I got used to it in Year 10 I guess...
Now that I'm in Year 11 now (last year until I go to college which is the same as junior and senior year in High school for any Americans out there) I want to make more friends and have happier memories of my life in my secondary school.
I had a Maths exam today (a real GCSE module). Maths is supposed to be my best subject but I'm sure I've failed that exam and everyone else in my class thinks they need to resit as well. Okay, so the lowest I'll probably get is a B (you could only get an A*, A, B or U on that module btw) but still that's quite bad for someone in the top set, well according to my Dad.
Have you ever noticed how parents can get pretty hard on you when you reach the "life changing exam" stage but neglect you (or at least it seems that way to me since my Dad has suddenly put quite a lot of pressure on me for GCSEs) when your doing the "smaller" exams like SATs.
I understand that my parents can worry about me and my future and my parents have told me that they don't want me to experience the gnawing feeling of disappointment if I don't get the grades I think I deserve. It's just sometimes it feels like they think that I'm unable to do it by myself without them having to tell me every few seconds. I will be 16 soon - I'm practically an adult. Just because my 10 year-old brother has to be told all the time to do simple things like comb his hair, do his homework and brush his teeth before he goes to bed (I know, it's disgusting) doesn't mean that I'm like that as well.
I'm finally starting to fit in more in school and make more friends since Rock Challenge. I mean I'm not a loner, there are people I talk to and get along with it's just that my shyness has kind of got in the way of making real friends. I did have friends in Year 7 and 8 but in Year 9 my shyness got so bad that I couldn't even talk to my friends. When I did talk to them they sometimes laughed at what I said because it was kind of a random, "last chance" outburst. The laughing made my confidence lessen even more until eventually I was just a tag-a-long. I could sense that they didn't want me around anymore but I wanted to wait until they said it to my face. They were my friends they owed me that much right? Wrong. I eventually started to go around on my own which was awkward at first but I got used to it in Year 10 I guess...
Now that I'm in Year 11 now (last year until I go to college which is the same as junior and senior year in High school for any Americans out there) I want to make more friends and have happier memories of my life in my secondary school.
Introduction
Well I suppose you'll want some background info right?
I made this blog so I could tell you what is happening in my life; an open diary which anyone can comment on or post advice. I made this blog so I could put down everything I was feeling and let out everything that I had bottled up for so long.
No secrets.
No lies.
Just truth.
I made this blog so I could tell you what is happening in my life; an open diary which anyone can comment on or post advice. I made this blog so I could put down everything I was feeling and let out everything that I had bottled up for so long.
No secrets.
No lies.
Just truth.
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